Lamma Festival

The Lamma Ladies were so excited about the first Lamma Festival! We did photo-ops and enjoyed helicopter rides with our sponsors, Heliads (Who are so cool. Who else has helicopters to fly around in before their big races? Does Donald Trump have a team of dragon femme-bots yet? We LOVE Heliads!); and we posed and preened and wore Pink!

And while, that was all grand and glorious, our weather forecast looked like this:

We lie: The weather forecast didn't look like that for two days. It looked like that for eight days.

We could have lived with the weather reports, after all - for 7 days solid the observatory was wrong. We did not have thunder and lightening and gale-force winds. We did not have sheets of rain falling every day (though rain did fall at night).

We did, however, have a Red Tide. I mean, is that fair? Red Tide?

Nevertheless, the Lamma Ladies were still so excited and so dedicated about the race, that we spent 2-3 hours on Saturday morning (June 9), wading in that lovely red-tide up to our necks, pulling litter our of the sea (approximately 4 large bin-bags full of sodden plastic bags, old netting, bottles and chip-bags and other flotsam and jetsam. In addition, Gina would like someone to buy her dinner since she picked up the floating condom with her bare hands. Failing that, she would like an AIDs test).

Please do not mistake us: our beach is sometimes littered by jerks who drink and smoke and drop their rubbish on the shore, but the sea-litter is something different and is really only genuinely bad when there has been lots of rain (at night!) to wash it in from the Pearl River Delta (well that is what we think, anyway).

It wasn't pretty work, but the shoreline was 100% better and after our work, looking out into the surf, we only could only see that freaky remarkable red tide - which by then we'd become accustomed to - and clear water.

So off we went to bed that evening, with visions of Pink Championships dancing in our heads.

Alas, many of us awoke at 4:30am, to the crackle of lightening and the HK Observatory sending out Amber rain warnings. After a few phone calls to the Observatory, we were assured that the rain warning and the thunderstorm warnings would be down by 7 and 9am respectively.

So we were cheered by that. After all - the whole week had gone that way: rain at night, calm by day. But it was not to be.

Everyone of the 55 teams arrived to the beach to compete. And everyone of those 55 teams managed to have one race. And then the really bad weather blew in.

Calm before the crazy-ass storm.

Lamma Ladies prepare for their first race.

By 1pm, the conditions had become too dangerous to continue. Lighting was in the air again, the sea had whitecaps at the start-line, and the steersmen and safety crews were shaking their heads. Even the surf at the shore had swelled and was swamping boats as they tried to launch.

As disappointed as we were, the Lamma Ladies are not the types to whinge and whimper. We'd rather flutter our eye-lashes and make farting noises at each other for kicks. So we closed up shop. We took down the marquees and sent home the teams and boats, and eventually, we got dry and went and drank wine and ate seafood (which -truth be told, looked a little red).

Then we cheered each other for all the work we'd done. And we cheered Brad, and Mark and Kevin of Thirsty Horse for killing themselves to get the race started. And we cheered everyone who had helped on the day.

Then Brad and Mark and Gina went and found Amy and the fishermen, and we drank more beer, and toasted each other until we could not see or stand or walk in a straight line. And in a funny way, we were still almost happy. Because we know it was a brilliant venue and will soon be a brilliant race.

And the Lamma Ladies are still excited. After all, 1,200 paddlers came to our house for a party. Sure we got busted by the hand of an evil, wrathful (and clearly male) god; but he's going out again real soon and when he does, we are going to burn down the house.*

It will be fantastic.

xx

Next stop: Cheung Chau Races, June 17th and Stanley, June 19th!

* "burn down the house" is a metaphor. It is not a threat on the safety of Lamma, paddlers, competitors or mean and wrathful gods.

MIA: Lamma Ladies comments!

It's been a crazy couple of months for the Lamma Ladies.

After our fantastic 7 Deadly Sins party, the team went on to race at Tin Hau and Deep Water Bay. So that kept us a little busy.

Vicky waving to her fan club.

Lamma Dragons (mixed team). Dawn's hair is getting
the most action here. It's BIG, it's flying!

The littlest paddler: Sai Bee's grandson learns the ropes.

At Deep Water Bay, the Lamma Ladies returned in force to do things completely differently this year. Instead of T-boning the other teams, as was our unofficial game plane in 2006 (thanks Frazer! we miss you!), we decide to move everyone around in the boat, not practice our changes much in advance of racing, and generally take the piss since we are all so brilliant and strong.

What is the first rule of competition? DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

Did we remember this rule? NO.

Did we pay for it? YES YES YES.

Well, we paid for it with a bronze medal. It's not like we got slapped around or anything, or - heaven forbid - "blown out of the water" - as one rubbish media outlet would bizarrely mistake the event (top three ladies teams all crossed the line point-naught of a second behind one another).

And were we PINK that day? We were amazingly pink. We were so pink that our new shirts ran dye and left behind boats full of bright pink water. You'd think we planned that our something...

Lamma Ladies and assorted progeny at Deep Water Bay.

Racing neck and neck - look carefully: do you see any explosions?

At the end of the day, the races were brilliant, and the Ladies worked hard to prepare for their next HUGE race, The First Lamma International Dragon Boat Festival. And what were the results of this brilliant, exciting, "oh-my-god-i-need-to-go-pee-i-am-so-excited" event.

Well hell, didn't you read that already?

The Sinners' Circle

On the night of the Lamma Dragons Seven Deadly Sins party, the teams raised almost $20,000 HKD for the club. Funds are critical to keeping the team racing, particularly at the Stanley Festival in June. Race organizers charge almost $10,000 per team for entry alone. Rental for a tarp/space on the beach and a spot to moor a junk cost a few thousand more. How fantastic then that we are all immeasurably wealthy!

One of our best fund-raisers for the evening was the auction of Harry Harrison's generously donated, super-duper original Lamma Dragons cartoon. Auctioneer, Paul Freak-man Davis very nearly outbid the audience. Eventually, Claudia (Prideful) Tarr dragged it from his stinking claws for $3,100. Thanks Harry, Claudia and Paul for your generosity, greed and envy!

Featuring gay pride (trannies Jo and George), fuzzy lion pride (Karen) and Sloth (the Beast! Ms Dawn).

Becky looks perfectly sinful here, but Elo appears far too sweet to be at a sin party. Apparently, she was going to dress as lust, but David kept interfering with her as she tried to leave the house.

Wrathful Andrew clutching his lustful, slothful mizzez.

Tina and Gina appear to be practicing the sins of fashion violence. Or Gina is in drag. Sometimes it's hard to tell...

Envy Li, and two multi-sinners, Becky and Michelle (who has legs up to her neck).

Tran-tastic Georgie.

Gluttony, envy, "would-be-lust" and "real" lust. Laura, Christine, Elo and Vicky (they call her "vixen" for a reason) line up. Special note: Laura has been warned that the nipple shirt will not help her find a hot, new man. Perverts maybe; not new men - no.

The Lamma Dragon men - just before they go home and put on their costumes.

Sleazy - lustful Arja - the Finn.

Bad Blonds.

Mad Max - please don't ask, since we haven't a clue...

Pride #1
Pride #2
Pride #3 (the Disney version)


Lust/wrath Sharon - mysterious middleman- and Jo Sveedish as Avarice.
Now that is avarice: Liesbeth



Franco-Finnish sin-stokers

The seven deadly sins...

silver belles

Some nine or ten days has gone by since the Lamma Ladies were chastised for their vulgar ways in the public http://www.lamma.com.hk/ forum.

Since then, there has been some confusion over the activities of the Lamma Ladies, as we have been away racing (as we are wont to do), and lammaladies-spotters have mistaken the fishermen's night training for the usual riotous Pink Ladies. Nkarraker mourned what he/she believed was a silent Lamma ladies crew:

Well, you all have done it now. We were eating in one of the seaview restaurants tonight after dark and on the horizon we saw a dragonboat with its tiny lights coming into the harbor, I am certain, from another part of the South China Sea. In utter silence. No boom, boom, boom. No big tamasha. No shouting, shouting. No intricate rhythms on the drum. Like so many faceless seagoers paddling on a quiet communal rowing machine. I hope you are happy now.

We would hasten to assure Mr/Ms Nkarraker that nothing shuts the Lamma Ladies up.

Those were, in fact, the Lamma Fishermen, who - we are delighted to say - won a spectacular traditional fishermen's race in Cheung Chau on Sunday, April 29th! Those fishermen's boats are FAST! So the Yung Shue Wan, Lamma North Fishermen were superfast! And victorious. And Fantastic. And did we mention that they are the greatest?

Back to the Lamma Ladies:

We are pleased to announce that the Beast Master (known to laymen as the "drummer"), has taken on a new nick-name: Big Tamasha.

She seems to like it.

In racing news, the Pink Ladies attended their first race of the season in Shatin on Sunday, April 21. There is nothing quite like getting up at 6am to catch the 6:40 ferry to Shatin on a Sunday, then waiting for several hours between 1-minute races (our average time was 55 seconds over 200 meters). However, the day can be summed up by this photo:

How time just flies between those races.

And did we mention the toilets? There were FOUR porta-potties available for some 600 people. What can we tell you about that? We can tell you that it was revolting. Anyone who doubts the Lamma Ladies dedication to their sport has NEVER had to use a porta-potty that has served 600 athletes over an 8-hour period. Gas masks may have helped, but we are dubious that even that would have been enough.

Note to race providers. Get more bloody toilets next time!

As for the races: the Lamma Lovelies were split into two boats for the 200-meter Shatin drag race. In the following photo, our A-team boat is racing against four other crews for the final event.
After a blistering start, the Lamma Ladies pushed on to win a silver medal in their first event. It was, in fact, an excellent start to the season, although some of us were a little sniffy that we hadn't won the gold.

Well that is just hubris, and the Lamma Ladies would hate to be guilty of unwarranted pride. In any case, we are very happy to say that our second-place medals give us greater incentive to make Big Tamashas in the harbour, scream louder, and paddler harder!

Above are five tired boats at the finish line. We are the pink boat, in case there is any doubt.

And here we are, making faces and cheering over our fist silver medal of the season! Two of us are drinking wine in this photo. For purposes of fairness and anonymity, we cannot identify Georgie, in the pink tights and blue hat, or Michelle, in the black dress and fashionable white sneakers as the wine drinkers. But if we could, we would say that was them.

Drinking wine.... On the podium.... Shocking.

(The rest of us hid our beer cans behind our backs).

On Sunday, April 29th, the Lamma Ladies were invited to a traditional colour boat race in Cheung Chau. This is the same race that the Fishermen attended and won (we mentioned that, right?).

Again the Lamma Ladies took a silver medal, though we had never raced in colour boats before.

This is what we have to say about colour boats:

• They are about 20 feet long.
• They are about 1-foot deep.
• They are evidently designed for women who weigh less that 40kgs.

We are afraid to say that although the Lamma Ladies may be working on "perfect asses," we have never stipulated that they be perfectly tiny asses.

And so, with each stroke from our magnificent arms, our boats would lunge across the water like demented, drunken beasts; skittering sideways and throwing up bow waves that could have sunk barges, and generally foiling our best efforts to glide across the water in graceful unison.

What the hell: we lunged our way across the finish line, picked up our two trophies (two boats won trophies!), and then ran off to eat shellfish and race sampans back to Lamma, with lots of "shouting shouting" along the way.

See us at our next race: THE TIN HAU FESTIVAL - in Yung Shue Wan, Lamma Island, on May 9!

There will be only decorous 'shouting shouting' at Tin Hau, since we have tremendous respect for our local race to this benevolent goddess of the sea.

Not even the Lamma Ladies mess with the sea gods. That's just stupid.

"Enticing lustful (sic) opiatics" and our "tight, dampened shorts"

It is with overwhelming shame that we, the Lamma Ladies have recently learned that our outrageous, immoral behaviour is offending the sensibilities of the more principled members of Lamma society.

In a recent photo essay on http://www.lamma.com.hk/, Lamma-gung posted some snaps of the Lamma Ladies getting ready to begin a training session on Saturday, April 14th, 4:30pm-6pm .

(Readers: You may want to consult you diaries, in case you noted any disturbance to your public-decency barometers during that period.)

According to the forum on Lamma.com, the loud, violent drumming and the "Too much of shouting shouting," was particularly loathsome to some of the more morally upstanding denizens of the Lamma community.

In addition to our "too much of shouting shouting..." the Lamma Ladies harridans have been urged to stop this disgraceful exercising in public and do what proper ladies, of exemplary dignity have done for centuries: stay home.

"Maybe machine for rowing is better," opines one gentleman.

"The ladies dancing on tables after consuming alcohol, and it is not suitable for these ladies to behave in such a manner. Too much of excitement . Staying home is better and having [home rowing] machine will give the exercise," he concludes.

We are delighted that exercise remains on the agenda, what, with all the jackboot polishing we will likely be doing (as befits proper, dignified ladies) we'll need to keep up our strength.

Our greatest shame came from the febrile pen of one Mr/Ms tjungarayi who wrote:

Not only (do the Lamma Ladies harridans have) loose morals but they look they are all on drugs.
Steroids that is! Just look at the shoulders and forearms on some of those... .em... 'ladies'. Popeye, eat your heart out! [Editor's note: Popeye was a pussy wuss, as are all men who are perplexed by muscular women.]

At last the voice of the moral stalwart can be heard among those in this forum. Bring back the morals of queen Victoria, the quiet dignified ladies and gentlemen of yesteryear.

Get rid of the smut and scantily clad women in pink lycra swim wear. Enough of the grunting echoes in Yung Shu Wan.

These women should be setting an example to the young ladies on the island not parading about in tight dampened shorts riding up their suntanned thighs. What effect will thse women have on the young men on the island I ask?

They will lead young men into the ways of wickedness and depravation. Enticing
lustful opiatic like sodden dreams on warm balmy nights. Blinding our young men
to upright meaningful Protestant occupation. Alas what has this island come to. (?)

Well, quite apart from the atrocious punctuation, this certainly put us in our place!

If we had known that parading around Lamma, with our "tight dampened shorts riding up our suntanned thighs" would lead to "enticing lustful opiatic like sodden dreams on warm balmy nights," well - we'd never wear anything else!

We do, however, apologize for the "sodden dreams."

Perhaps some "Young Men" on Lamma should consider rubber sheets? Nocturnal emissions are nothing to be ashamed of, certainly, but they do make your bedding a little funky after a time.

In conclusion, the Lamma Ladies (reborn, harridans no more!) would like to offer our since apologies to those people we've offended with our crass, unfeminine behaviour. Should you care to discuss the matter with us at a future date, please drop by after a training session.

We'll be a little tired, but we'll still be happy to kick your sorry, whinging asses.

when the sun shines out of Claudia's armpits

Ah yes, now we remember where the Lamma Ladies got their reputation for aggravatingly laid-back behaviour!

Behold: two natural brunettes and four suspiciously sun-shiney blonds. Please note: they drinks were consumed after a practice.

And yes: the sun does shine out of Claudia's arm-pits. Sometimes it shines out of the Beast Master's butt. Sometimes.

Georgie: butt blisters are no excuse for this shocking display. Put your pants on! (Nice legs!)

Introducing: the Perfect Ass awards!

Now that the Lamma Ladies have put down the Doritos, we've started our usual exercise routine of beer-chugging (those steins are heavy!) and occasionally getting off the sofa to change the channel. (okay, we lost the remote).

There are a few mad individuals who have embraced the hillsides of Lamma, and decided that running up and down them, over and over and over again, might aid in their performance in the dragon boats.

For these brave and hardy individuals, we hereby announce the "perfect ass" competition.

Here is a photo that our fellow web-izens have deemed a perfect ass:


Please note: this is NOT a Lamma Color-coded approved ass, it is merely a "perfect ass" representation, as denoted by our worldly peers (online, not in real life).

Cheeky number, isn't she? (We have no idea what period of the 1980s this photo comes from, but that is neither here nor there.)

There are, of course, different kinds of "perfect asses." Therefore, at the end of the season, we intend to judge both the Lamma Dragon men (who are running hills as well) and the Lamma Ladies for "perfect ass-ness." Awards will be handed out at the end of season.

So we urge you: get out there and sculpt yourself a perfect ass. Or just be one. Either works for us.

Happy International Lamma Ladies' (Women's) day

From the 2006 season, but one of our favourites!
Lamma Ladies win Stanley.

putting the 'fun' back into fundraising

Every team has its own way of raising money for race fees, new team shirts and gear, and the occasional travel subsidy. The Lamma Ladies - we are proud to say - have taken fund-raising to a whole other level.

And so it was that on March 3rd, at 7:30pm in an undisclosed location (Thanks Claudia!) 35 women gathered in their Sunday best (Elvira-red lipstick, plunging necklines, heels) to drink a variety of sinful pink cocktails and listen - with respectful attention - to a brief, yet informative, lecture on human sexuality.

Then we all played with the sex gadgets that our human sexuality expert / sexologist brought along for our shopping interest. (Imagine: sex and shopping. A winning combination!)

I cannot imagine why a photographer showed up at the undisclosed location in hopes of making a quick documentary. Alas, we shooed him away, as we are very prudish and shy.

Note: By "play" with the sex toys on display, we do not mean that any items were in "use". We simply compared and contrasted the various goods, lotions, potions and assorted doodads on display.

OK - fair enough - one lady wore one of the items. No, it wasn't the "nipple jewelry." (Many of us are still grateful for the latter escape from TMI and visual overload).

So yeah, just when you thought it was safe to be a Lamma Lady again, having nearly forgotten our brush with S&M fame from this episode or even this previous entry, it turns out that we are just as pervy as we ever were.

Big thanks to Mel for her fantastic arrangements and abundant cleavage, and to Heather at New Sensations for her impressive, positive and fun presentation.

And thank you Lamma Ladies, for your continuing support of the team. It was - surprise, surprise - a very successful fundraising event. One warning, however; if you are not in the boat in 2 weeks (after your New Sensations products are delivered), we will be staging home interventions. Please do not be wearing the "jewelry" if we need to come and find you. Please.

In other news: training is fantastic! Full boats, enthusiastic paddlers, and all the jellyfish a gang of gals could wish for, floating just inches from our fingertips. Really, can you think of anything better?

We want you in 2007!

As happy as we are to trumpet our success in the 2006 season, there comes a time when we need to state the truth:

We need new paddlers!

As with most dragon boat clubs in Hong Kong, the Lamma Ladies lose paddlers each and every year to horrible things like pregnancy, relocation, and - very occasionally - the demands of what some people call "real life". (Though some of us are unfamiliar with this term, others insist that it does, in fact, exist; along with "good salary" and "men who clean bathrooms").

In any case, each year, the Lamma Ladies are delighted to take on a new crop of members, and we always wish to assure our new paddlers that nobody is an uber-paddler in the beginning. We do not have expectations of fitness; nor is experience necessary (in fact, lack of experience is often better!).

All we require is some new cool chicks, willing to hit the water, come to training and get ready to work and have a fantastic time in equal proportions. It helps if you can hold your liquor, but even that is not a prerequisite.

So join the Lamma Ladies today! Everyone begins in the same place: sat on a creaky, wooden seat, with the threat of splinters encroaching on your bum, and a big old scratchy paddle in your hand. What could be better?

For more information, please contact Gina at lamma_gina@yahoo.com.hk
She has no life, so she'll get back to you lickety-split.

Lamma Ladies Recruiting for 2007!!!

Join the Lamma Ladies for the 2007 Season and get Powerful,Passionate and - oh so very pretty.

The girliest-looking, toughest talking, meanest paddling crew of Ladies will hit the water on January 26-27 for introductory sessions for the new season. Join us on January 21 - Sunday - at 3pm in the Island Bar to learn more and sign up for a season of tough training and brilliant fun.

The Lamma Ladies will travel to Boracay again in 2007, to defend their gold medal. In addition, we are hosting the first Lamma Dragon Boat Festival on June 10th.

Lamma Ladies Dragon Boating: less fattening than chocolate, tan lines to die for, and all the pink you could ever imagine.

For more information, contact lamma_gina@yahoo.com.hk